June 24, 2012, Multiply, True, sad, and personal...

True, sad and quite personal, I warn you now this is not a pretty tale.

Jun 24, '12 3:18 PM for loretta's contacts

True, sad and quite personal, for contacts only.

I warn you now this is not a pretty tale.

The burning question I keep asking myself at the moment is ’why are so many ordinary, caring and otherwise responsible young men risk takers?’

My daughters have just lost one of their oldest friends, a young man of 33 who was one of the nicest people you could ever wish to meet, a great father to his two children and true friend to those who knew him.

The story goes; My three daughters, now in their early thirties, have retained the close friendships they formed when they were young teenagers. There was a whole group of them who ‘hung out’ together. My eldest daughter has remained in a long term relationship with one of the lads, ‘A’, and they have a daughter together. My middle daughter was in a relationship for a couple of years with ‘R’. They were young and went their separate ways a long time ago but the whole group have remained close friends. My youngest daughter was in a relationship with ‘F’.  They had an unplanned child and despite the fact the relationship didn’t last they have remained good friends and he in an excellent father to their child. These three lads were all part of the same crowd, they grew up together, went to the same school and at times lived in the same street.
All of these lads are hard working, honest, nice lads. Unlike many of their generation they don’t claim benefits, they don’t like drugs and they don’t drink to excess. They are all good fathers, and they treat their partners well. But they are what I call ‘risk takers’. Their particular ‘risk’ of choice is fast cars and fast motorbikes. When I say ‘fast’, I mean speeds that would scare any normal person senseless. Over the years there have been several incidents that would have put me off high speed driving for life. A few months ago ‘F’ (father to my youngest grandchild and estranged partner to youngest daughter) drove his quad bike at high speed over a wall by an old harbour, something he had done countless times before with out incident. This time something went wrong, he seriously damaged his leg and is now in constant pain and unable to walk with out his stick, he moves at a snails pace. The latest news on him is that he may lose his foot. Apparently a prosthetic foot would give him a better chance at regaining mobility, his own foot is probably beyond repair.
‘A’, (long term partner of eldest daughter and father to eldest grandchild) is a real motorbike enthusiast; he has been involved in several near misses over the years. The most serious one was a couple of years ago when he was out with another of his friends on their bikes and something went wrong. ‘A’ ended up sitting on the roadside, waiting for the ambulance and attempting to calm his friend who suffered multiple fractures to the leg. The fractures were so bad, splintered bone and missing knee cap were clearly visible. If the accident happened a nanosecond later it would have been ‘A’ sitting with splintered bones and the friend doing the reassuring. That was just one of several incidents none of which put any of them off driving at high speeds.
Last week they were all out on their bikes driving around country lanes at ridiculous speed, doing wheelies and having a great time. ‘A’ had just bought a new bike, it was bigger and more powerful than the other bikes in the group. ‘R’ (his oldest friend from school) asked for a go on ‘A’s bike so off they went, ‘A’ on ‘R’s bike and ‘R’ on ‘A’s big new powerful bike. ‘R’ shot off at speed and disappeared around a bend, ‘A’ followed around the bend in time to witness ‘R’ plough straight into a car that had unexpectedly pulled out a little too far from a side road. ‘R’ was carrying a passenger who flew through the air landing in a crumpled heap. ‘A’ was in shock, he braked and pulled up, this was his oldest friend, he went to where ‘R’ way laying motionless by the road, pulled up ‘R’s visor and tried to open R’s eyes, I think he knew instantly ‘R’ was dying. He cradled ‘R’s head in his lap. The ambulance arrived. They tried to save ‘R’ but there was literally nothing they could do. ‘R’ took his last breath with ‘A’ cradling his head. The passenger was seriously hurt and regained consciousness; he had multiple fractures of both legs plus internal injuries, again ‘A’ witnessed blood bone and gore coming out from a friends legs. The passenger was in shock and despite his terrible injuries made many attempts to get up and help ‘R’. At one point ‘A’ ended up holding him down until the paramedic got to him. Once the paramedics got to him he was sedated to keep him still. They worked on him at the scene for an hour to get him stable and to get his mangled legs into splints before airlifting him to hospital where he has remained in ICU.
‘A’ was interviewed at the side of the road by the police for hours before being allowed home. He didn’t go straight home, he went to ‘R’s family and broke the news to them. ‘R’s children were there and learnt their father had died that afternoon. I had a phone call from my middle daughter (‘R’s ex from way back) and found out what had happened. All of my daughters are devastated; ‘R’ was a close friend to all of them, his children played with their children. ‘A’ is still in deep shock and riddled with guilt because ‘R’ died on his motorbike. 'A' has gone back to work, he is off shore now and doesn’t want to come back for the funeral, he says he said his goodbye by the side of the road, I don't think he is in the right state of mind to make such an important decision,  I hope he doesn’t live to regret it. My eldest daughter, his partner, is beside herself with worry about him, as well as grieving for her dead friend.

I don’t know if its more sadness, anger or utter frustration I feel. I just don’t understand the mindset of risk takers. I find myself wanting to say awful things like ‘being an adrenalin junkie is no different to being hooked on any other drug’, or ‘they are selfish because they are willing to deprive young children of a father for the sake of a cheap thrill on the back of a bike’, or ‘people who drive at those speeds deserve what they get’, or ‘thank god no one else was hurt (driver of the car escaped with minor cuts)’, etc………..But of course I don’t say any of that, I even feel guilty for thinking it because he was a genuinely nice guy, and he was a great father and my kids are all devastated at losing a friend. I think that’s the part I find most difficult to understand, if these guys were all horrible, selfish, uncaring people it would be so easy to take the moral high ground and be smug in the knowledge it was their own fault. But it’s just not that simple. I really wish I understood why apparently nice, normal people (in my experience usually young men) are real risk takers.

You don’t have to comment if you don’t want too, I don’t even know why I’ve written this really, its not as if there is any thing any one can do. I just feel so sad, I feel sad for a young life lost, sad for my daughters grief and very, very sad that two beautiful young children have lost their father so suddenly. And I feel exasperated at this ‘risk taking’ life style that I totally fail to understand. I also feel a sort of shame or guilt that this ‘risk taking’ behaviour is so deeply embedded in the minds of the people my daughters associate with. I feel many things, sometimes bewilderment. But in the end it just comes back to an awful sadness.

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edit delete reply forgetmenot525 wrote on Jun 25 Many thanks for all your thought on this......................

edit delete reply forgetmenot525 wrote on Jun 25 brendainmad said I don't understand this attitude or disregard for life either, but then I won't get on rides at the funfare. I'm also sure that risk-takers would have a difficulr time explaining why they do what they do. Thanks for sharing this and prayers going out for everyone. Thanks Brenda...............maybe its a 'man' thing because most of the people I've come across who delight in taking risks seem to be young men, but like you........the mentality totally baffles me.

edit delete reply forgetmenot525 wrote on Jun 25 Wendy and Frank.............thanks for your comments I think you are both right, somehow organising your thoughts and writing them down does actually help. Not sure how but it does help.

edit delete reply forgetmenot525 wrote on Jun 25 mitchylr said suffered a very serious injury in a motorcycle accident as a teenager, very badly injured right leg, surgeon said I was extremely fortunate not to lose it below the knee. Hope it doesn't still affect you but I bet you have the most awful arthritis in that leg now...............that will be the accidents legacy to you. My brother in law had a similar motorbike accident when he was a young man...........he's lucky to be alive and he almost lost his leg. That was 40 years ago and the good thing is that if he had the accident today there is so much more that can be done now than there was then. At that time he was hospitalised for months,, he still has the plates and pins in his leg. Unlike you it didn't put him off bikes.

edit delete reply forgetmenot525 wrote on Jun 25 nemo4sun said i have known many in my time motorcycles, whitewater kayaks, parachuting...etc I know you're right...............it exists in people, and no one can explain it, but it still leaves me asking 'why'..........

edit delete reply forgetmenot525 wrote on Jun 25 bernardv said My sympathies for the loss though. It will be hard on 'R's wife and children I'm sure. Its the children I feel most sorry for, I think he was separated from his wife but it must still be awful for her. I think the fact that he had children is what makes this so difficult to understand. There's a big part of me that thinks if people want to risk their own life doing something they love, and providing they don't endanger others, then I guess its their life to risk, but becoming a parent changes every thing.And I think you are right, like Mitch says..............some people just are,

delete reply mitchylr wrote on Jun 25 I suffered a very serious injury in a motorcycle accident as a teenager, very badly injured right leg, surgeon said I was extremely fortunate not to lose it below the knee. It did knock some sense into me, in that I never rode a motorcycle from that day onward. But even now in my fifties, I still get that need for a thrill. These days I restrict it to 'controlled' thrills on rollercoasters (the bigger and faster the better). There IS no explanation for being a thrillseeker or adrenalin junkie. It's just something you are or are not.

delete reply brendainmad wrote on Jun 25 I don't understand this attitude or disregard for life either, but then I won't get on rides at the funfare. I'm also sure that risk-takers would have a difficulr time explaining why they do what they do. Thanks for sharing this and prayers going out for everyone.

delete reply djdx wrote on Jun 25 I am sorry for all suffering.

delete reply esoterika713 wrote on Jun 24 forgetmenot525 said True, sad and quite personal, for contacts only. I warn you now this is not a pretty tale. The burning question I keep asking myself at the moment is ’why are so many ordinary, caring and otherwise responsible young men risk takers?’ My daughters have just lost one of their oldest friends, a young man of 33 who was one of the nicest people you could ever wish to meet, a great father to his two children and true friend to those who knew him. The story goes; My three daughters, now in their early thirties, have retained the close friendships they formed when they were young teenagers. There was a whole group of them who ‘hung out’ together. My eldest daughter has remained in a long term relationship with one of the lads, ‘A’, and they have a daughter together. My middle daughter was in a relationship for a couple of years with ‘R’. They were young and went their separate ways a long time ago but the whole group have remained close friends. My youngest daughter was in a relationship with ‘F’.  They had an unplanned child and despite the fact the relationship didn’t last they have remained good friends and he in an excellent father to their child. These three lads were all part of the same crowd, they grew up together, went to the same school and at times lived in the same street. All of these lads are hard working, honest, nice lads. Unlike many of their generation they don’t claim benefits, they don’t like drugs and they don’t drink to excess. They are all good fathers, and they treat their partners well. But they are what I call ‘risk takers’. Their particular ‘risk’ of choice is fast cars and fast motorbikes. When I say ‘fast’, I mean speeds that would scare any normal person senseless. Over the years there have been several incidents that would have put me off high speed driving for life. A few months ago ‘F’ (father to my youngest grandchild and estranged partner to youngest daughter) drove his quad bike at high speed over a wall by an old harbour, something he had done countless times before with out incident. This time something went wrong, he seriously damaged his leg and is now in constant pain and unable to walk with out his stick, he moves at a snails pace. The latest news on him is that he may lose his foot. Apparently a prosthetic foot would give him a better chance at regaining mobility, his own foot is probably beyond repair. ‘A’, (long term partner of eldest daughter and father to eldest grandchild) is a real motorbike enthusiast; he has been involved in several near misses over the years. The most serious one was a couple of years ago when he was out with another of his friends on their bikes and something went wrong. ‘A’ ended up sitting on the roadside, waiting for the ambulance and attempting to calm his friend who suffered multiple fractures to the leg. The fractures were so bad, splintered bone and missing knee cap were clearly visible. If the accident happened a nanosecond later it would have been ‘A’ sitting with splintered bones and the friend doing the reassuring. That was just one of several incidents none of which put any of them off driving at high speeds. Last week they were all out on their bikes driving around country lanes at ridiculous speed, doing wheelies and having a great time. ‘A’ had just bought a new bike, it was bigger and more powerful than the other bikes in the group. ‘R’ (his oldest friend from school) asked for a go on ‘A’s bike so off they went, ‘A’ on ‘R’s bike and ‘R’ on ‘A’s big new powerful bike. ‘R’ shot off at speed and disappeared around a bend, ‘A’ followed around the bend in time to witness ‘R’ plough straight into a car that had unexpectedly pulled out a little too far from a side road. ‘R’ was carrying a passenger who flew through the air landing in a crumpled heap. ‘A’ was in shock, he braked and pulled up, this was his oldest friend, he went to where ‘R’ way laying motionless by the road, pulled up ‘R’s visor and tried to open R’s eyes, I think he knew instantly ‘R’ was dying. He cradled ‘R’s head in his lap. The ambulance arrived. They tried to save ‘R’ but there was literally nothing they could do. ‘R’ took his last breath with ‘A’ cradling his head. The passenger was seriously hurt and regained consciousness; he had multiple fractures of both legs plus internal injuries, again ‘A’ witnessed blood bone and gore coming out from a friends legs. The passenger was in shock and despite his terrible injuries made many attempts to get up and help ‘R’. At one point ‘A’ ended up holding him down until the paramedic got to him. Once the paramedics got to him he was sedated to keep him still. They worked on him at the scene for an hour to get him stable and to get his mangled legs into splints before airlifting him to hospital where he has remained in ICU. ‘A’ was interviewed at the side of the road by the police for hours before being allowed home. He didn’t go straight home, he went to ‘R’s family and broke the news to them. ‘R’s children were there and learnt their father had died that afternoon. I had a phone call from my middle daughter (‘R’s ex from way back) and found out what had happened. All of my daughters are devastated; ‘R’ was a close friend to all of them, his children played with their children. ‘A’ is still in deep shock and riddled with guilt because ‘R’ died on his motorbike. 'A' has gone back to work, he is off shore now and doesn’t want to come back for the funeral, he says he said his goodbye by the side of the road, I don't think he is in the right state of mind to make such an important decision,  I hope he doesn’t live to regret it. My eldest daughter, his partner, is beside herself with worry about him, as well as grieving for her dead friend. I don’t know if its more sadness, anger or utter frustration I feel. I just don’t understand the mindset of risk takers. I find myself wanting to say awful things like ‘being an adrenalin junkie is no different to being hooked on any other drug’, or ‘they are selfish because they are willing to deprive young children of a father for the sake of a cheap thrill on the back of a bike’, or ‘people who drive at those speeds deserve what they get’, or ‘thank god no one else was hurt (driver of the car escaped with minor cuts)’, etc………..But of course I don’t say any of that, I even feel guilty for thinking it because he was a genuinely nice guy, and he was a great father and my kids are all devastated at losing a friend. I think that’s the part I find most difficult to understand, if these guys were all horrible, selfish, uncaring people it would be so easy to take the moral high ground and be smug in the knowledge it was their own fault. But it’s just not that simple. I really wish I understood why apparently nice, normal people (in my experience usually young men) are real risk takers. You don’t have to comment if you don’t want too, I don’t even know why I’ve written this really, its not as if there is any thing any one can do. I just feel so sad, I feel sad for a young life lost, sad for my daughters grief and very, very sad that two beautiful young children have lost their father so suddenly. And I feel exasperated at this ‘risk taking’ life style that I totally fail to understand. I also feel a sort of shame or guilt that this ‘risk taking’ behaviour is so deeply embedded in the minds of the people my daughters associate with. I feel many things, sometimes bewilderment. But in the end it just comes back to an awful sadness. I am sorry for your loss. We knew a guy who had a motor bike. We knew his brother too. The guy with the bike had had an accident going around corners fast I warned him (his knees were all bruised up) that he could get seriously hurt. Not even a week later he was in a terrible accident and died. The brother's didn't have a good family life and his younger brother didn't have anyone else. The loss affected him greatly. So, I do know what you must be going through.

delete reply nemo4sun wrote on Jun 24, edited on Jun 24 i have known many in my time motorcycles, whitewater kayaks, parachuting...etc to me it seems the same kind of attraction that it is for my musician friends a personal need to do something that they really enjoy and one may say that at least music is not dangerous but many of them are die hard alcoholics/drug addicts from years playing in bars and clubs where everyone is all to happy to share with the band but my thoughts go out to you and yours ((((HUG)))) :)

delete reply wendyj59 wrote on Jun 24 I think it helps to commit our thoughts to paper as it were when we can't voice them - or to get the thoughts in some sort of order before talking to anyone. I'm sorry to hear such a sad story. The trauma of the way the young man died will make this hard to deal with for all concerned and there are no easy answers.

edit delete reply forgetmenot525 wrote on Jun 24 kathyinozarks said When my little sister was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver back in '78 I spent so much time trying to figure out the why in all of it-she was so young just graduated from college, had a new life for herself, was a writer-etc. and then someone said to me-there is no answer to why--it just is--I was finally able to grieve for the loss and then thru time, remember the good times we shared as sisters. I'm so sorry Kathy, that's awful, I didn't know about your sister, but I do understand how sometimes we have to accept there are no answers. That's one thing I took with me from my divorce, it was hard but in the end I had to accept that some things I would never know. Somehow that's not making this any easier, I know with my head that sometimes there are no answers but my heart is still asking.

delete reply bernardv wrote on Jun 24 You're right to ask the question. I don't think anybody has an answer though. My sympathies for the loss though. It will be hard on 'R's wife and children I'm sure.

delete reply veryfrank wrote on Jun 24 Actually writing or saying things often will help to lighten the burden of weighted thoughts that I carry with me.

delete reply kathyinozarks wrote on Jun 24 I think sometimes our blogs are a good tool to get things written down and then shared with friends-I know it really helps me during times that are stressfull and it helps me too when reading friends thoughts and comments When my little sister was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver back in '78 I spent so much time trying to figure out the why in all of it-she was so young just graduated from college, had a new life for herself, was a writer-etc. and then someone said to me-there is no answer to why--it just is--I was finally able to grieve for the loss and then thru time, remember the good times we shared as sisters.

edit delete reply forgetmenot525 wrote on Jun 24 thanks Deb..............I guess I've always struggled with the 'not knowing', I especially struggle with the 'not understanding'..........

delete reply greenwytch wrote on Jun 24 prayers for everyone.....sometimes, i guess we are just not meant to know the 'why'. (((♥)))